80.The Second Task

Deep inside his mind, the dark phoenix shrieked, loudly announcing his discontent.

Is the phoenix a he? Seems like it’d be an asexual creature.

Harry’s skill in the Mind Arts was somewhat short of what it took to pull that off.

“Somewhat” seems a bit out of place given the tone. Sounds like he’s well short of that ability. “Decidedly,” would fit better.

“You shouldn’t have awoken,” he said with a grave voice.

Do the mermen speak English or does Harry speak mermish?

Even if he asked Luna, the second best in Herbology, for help.

Incomplete sentence.

Suddenly, the ground shook. An enormous golden troll lumbered into the ground, its titanic golden club swatting a swathe of spiders into green paste with a crunch. The second swing knocked away a part of the spiders that had crawled all over Hagrid.

Very cool imagery. Assume it’s Amelia.

“HAGRID!” Ron roared with all his might as he tore his holster and clenched a warm wooden hilt. “CATCH!”

This is great imagery, but it comes out of nowhere. One moment, Ron’s watching Hagrid nearly overwhelmed, the next he’s hurling an axe an undetermined distance. He needs to think of it, desire to help, and it needs description.

…; a few man-sized spiders fluttered across the seats, [/anchor]

“Fluttered” connotes an almost whimsical movement. “Skittered” would be better used.

The barrage of curses was dangerous, but not lethal—Ron had faced worse in the D.A. practice. He had poor stamina, too; his breathing growing increasingly heavy by the minute. Just as another barrage of curses rushed past Ron, the man stiffened suddenly.

Two notes: 1) why on earth are the curses not lethal? This is Emberwick’s lackey, surely he’s playing for keeps unless he’s clearly toying with Ron. That either needs to be revealed later on, or changed. 2) Who has poor stamina? As written, reads like Ron has poor stamina, which we know he doesn’t. If it’s the lackey, should be clearly stated.

“I-I don’t…” his throat froze. ‘I want to die like this.

Presumably should be ‘I don’t want to die like this.’

Maybe it’s been a minute since the last update, but this caught me by surprise in a good way. Wasn’t expecting an all-out assault on the Second Task. Acromantula, dementors, Emberwick’s foot soldiers; quite the move from Voldemort.

Very nice to see Ron get some shine as a true Gryffindor – he’s clearly scared, which makes his courage stand out. The sword of Gryffindor has found an able wielder. Also nice to see D.A. practice amount to something, though they clearly have ways to go to properly contend. Hannah, Susan, and Ron taking out a couple guys, and struggling mightily, is believable. They’re clearly skilled, but still kids, scared and trying to do the right thing.

Way to prime the upcoming slaughter. My mind is conjuring up images of Harry emerging from the lake with Gabby thrown over a shoulder, fucking pissed. Harry v Emberwick should be a joy if you choose to deliver it.

Thanks for writing.